The Pre-Maldives Blog Salvo

First, a lesson in vocabulary. Apologies to those in the front row to whom this has to relevance. You have Slinky’s permission to doze off. I’ll wake you up at the interesting bits.

Recently I was reading a blog which accused people of reading other blogs of being voyeurs and lurkers. Now, I found this very interesting, because as far as I can tell, blogs kind of are spat out by the people who create them to float about in cyberspace and be read by everybody. If you didn't want people to read it you’d probably lock it up. Or, failing which, send the sole friend you actually have an email. (Imaginary friends don't count even in cyberspace). That would make more sense since saying "You-know-who won't stop trying to keep in contact with you-know-who and she's such a bee-yarch for doing it, isn't that just sooo gross? I can't stand it! Makes my lips pout until they crack! Boo!" gets fairly ridiculous after a while.

But I digress.

Ipso facto, you put a blog out for people to read. Some people, in awareness of this fact, write exceedingly well, and should be paid for their efforts.

This one was, unfortunately, not one of them.

Now here's the thing (this may be hard to follow for the slower ones in the audience, so I'm gonna speak real slow). Is that accusation founded?


"Voyeur (according to the American Heritage Dictionary): A person who derives sexual gratification from observing the naked bodies or sexual acts of others, especially from a secret vantage point. 2. An obsessive observer of sordid or sensational subjects."

I doubt that definition 1 is applicable here, unless you have one of those www.freeteensluts.blogspot.com type pages. (Shame on you, gentle reader! Teen sluts have feelings too! Maybe they don't want to be voyeuristically perved on, but are merely victims of a corrupt society)

So it's definition 2, an obsessive observer of sordid or sensational subjects.

Now, if that's true this means that the creator is writing about sordid or sensationalist things. Like creating a psychotic web of lies about someone’s ex-girlfriend after leaving. Or bitch about your boyfriend's closest friends by accident. ('Oops, my fingers slipped and I typed 'bitch' by accident! Sorry!!! *blink blink* *pout*)

Here's the million dollar question though: who's the greater sinner, the one who writes such sensationalist and sordid things, intending for them to be read (and indeed, acts in such a way as to provide the material for aforesaid trashy scratchings), or the person who reads it and is outraged?

As for lurkers, well, hands up all of you who have read other people's blogs without them knowing it! So many? Gee. Here are some giant red flags. Next time you do that, go wave them around a bit and try and jump up and down to alert the writer, okay? Because otherwise you're lurking. You all ought to be spanked. (I see the people in the front have woken up. Pervs.)

So in honor of voyeurs, lurkers and let's not forget the teen sluts spread-eagled in the corner, here's a little list called:

How to Piss Off People With Your Blog in 5 Easy Steps
1. Become Ms Monosyllable during attempts at conversation, then complain that no one's trying to be your friend, and subsequently post that people just DON'T KNOW YOU. Well, duh.

2. Bitch about other people incessantly then righteously proclaim that gossips are evil and that even though you've done the dirty in the past, that's okay because you are a changed person. ("Hello, Kettle? This is Pot. You’re black!")

3. Showing less grace than even a 19-year old after incredibly trying circumstances, leaving some truly hideous anonymous posts on someone else's blog, then wailing that people are 'really really mean' and want to hurt you for the sheer fun of it. (See comment for item number 2. I have to admit that it IS quite fun though.)

4. Accusing people of cowardice (in spite of hypocrisy of such statement occasioned by abovementioned circumstances) when you’ve been yelling that you've been wronged, damnit, wailing how the whole world hates you and they just doesn't know you and then writing your supposedly 'true' accounts of what happened and locking it. Just in case anyone questions the 'truth'. Hiding behind a screen? That IS a computer you're sitting in front of, yes? (Again, I say, see comment for item 2)

5. Serially fuck with the code of the sisterhood (thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's boyfriend), lie about it, then get on a moral high horse and call people immature for reacting to it. Confucious he say, if you don't have a moral high horse but only a chicken and maybe not even that, have a nice big cup of shut the fuck up.

Right, that's it, Slinky's all bitched out. Just in time for my fabulous trip too. Shes gonna be a sweet kitty from this point out. Just one final thought.

My land is bare of chattering folk;
the clouds are low along the ridges,
and sweet's the air with curly smoke
from all my burning bridges.

- Dorothy Parker

The Slinky Cat inhales and gets high on the fumes