"Happy Biiiiiiirthday Mr. Preeeesideeeent!"

I'll post this today since hopefully tomorrow I'll be out getting drunk and wrecking general havoc.

Just because this is my blog and I can, here's my fantasy wishlist for my birthday this year. Good luck with me actually getting any of this stuff.

1. Perfect hair. The kind that celebrities have which looks effortless but which is actually a result of the entire United Kingdom's worth of hairspray, NASA-developed hair products and blind hairstylists who are only allowed to touch a woman's hair after they successfully shear a Merino sheep with only their teeth into Vidal Sassoon's latest style. I swear to god I'm tired of hearing every hairdresser I go to say, "You would be pretty IF ONLY you rebond your hair!" In the meantime I apparently frighten small animals.


2. Detachable wings which could flap at supersonic speeds because then I don't have to mortgage the future house I don't have in order to travel to exotic locations. And SBS could kiss my pretty little flying ass. No more running after missed buses, yeah baby. Either that or the ability to teleport. Which isn't as romantic, but would beat being shot out of Russian airspace. Think about it. Poof! "Oooh, Johnny Depp’s bedroom!" Poof! "Oooh, Chippendales!"

3. A magic food pouch. I remember being deeply affected after Enid Blyton's 'The Magic Faraway Tree' because one of the characters had a magic bag which appeared empty, which actually contained whatever food you desired when you reached into it. I swear to god, I was apeshit looking into empty pouches hoping for chocolate when I was a kid.

4. One meeeee-leeeee--yuuuun dollars

5. A chance to go back on the lost years where I was far too well-behaved and geeky and go and wreck some havoc and break some hearts and take care of that pesky 'what if' question once and for all. And the chance to take back that truly tragic haircut which led to many compliments to my mother for the ‘son which looks so much like you!’

6. Another meeeee-leeeee--yuuuun dollars

7. Me, the Boy, Zeph the Biggest Scariest Dog in the World and my licence to be Dr. Dolittle. All sharing the same time and space. I miss than damn dog more than any damn thing in the whole damn world. May he always have many cats to chase, Big Macs to steal and people to menace.

8. Oh yeah, and one last wish: that I will not be pulled over the side of the boat by a giant tunafish, dragging a screaming Maldivian boatman along with me to the briny ocean depths on my upcoming trip. It's an extremely embarassing way to go.

The Slinky Cat closes her eyes and blows out her candles and prays not to singe her eyebrows