I'm That Girl

Started by MercerMachine and followed up beautifully by Popagandhi.

I'm the girl with the honey skin and the crazy hair, who has a dragon riding on her hip, and I wouldn't change a thing. I'm the girl who lost all the skin on her chest when I was four, and dam near lost a finger twenty years later. I'm the girl who's glad of the scar because it reminds me of you and you.

I'm the girl you called when you found her gone, who wished I could find whoever took her and give her back to you, just so you would smile. I'm the girl who scored a video in exchange for a photo, and who still suspects that you wanted to be suckered. I'm the girl who played twenty questions with you, and you told me I was playing it wrong. I'm the girl who stopped breathing when your hands tangled in my hair, and who felt like your hands were burning brands even though your touch was butterfly light.

I'm the girl who listened to you sing to me and wondered privately about magic.

I'm the girl who cried for you even though you never knew it, because I wanted life to stop hurting you but I didn't know how to make it. I'm the girl who told you about her first kiss even though I can't remember it now, and who stayed up at night to eat Maggi Mee with you. I'm the girl who you always made laugh, who you always inspired to be a better person, who thinks you still don't see how beautiful you truly are. I'm the girl who's fought with you only three times in her life, and who wishes you weren't too far away to fight with now. I'm the girl who wants everything to be perfect in your life because I love you.

I'm the girl who told you I'd hurt you, and I was right. I'm the girl who made you wait, who wrote you letters and held you at arm's length for three months because she was scared of giving more of herself than she'd ever given to anybody, the one who forgot her birthday and didn't know why you were asking if I had plans on that day. I'm the girl who asked to be surprised and ended up wearing a T-shirt, Mary Janes and a mini to the MacDonald's in the sky. I'm the girl who thought I might marry you and never thought a day would come when I would be glad when I wouldn't. I'm the girl who got a wedding anniversary cake and a photo to prove it. I'm the girl who stayed because she couldn't bear to break your heart.

I'm the girl who left because I couldn't stand breaking mine.

I'm the girl living your parallel life, who you tell your deepest darkest secrets and to whom I tell mine. I'm the girl who went to France with you, who flirted outrageously with beautiful men, who tried to hide behind you when some of them tried to carry my bag and follow me around. I'm the girl who managed not to kill him because you were there, and who spent Valentine's Day with you writing some damn thing and taking cold showers because we didn't know we could get it hot. I'm the girl who has your boots. I'm the girl who's taking a wild blind leap of faith because you give me courage by doing it too. I'm the girl who misses you and who hopes every time we speak that you get your fairy tale ending.

I'm the girl who climbed trees and fell to earth, I'm the girl who hung upside down from the rails just because she could, who believed that unicorns could exist if only you looked hard enough. I'm the girl who cried while watching Turner and Hooch and who wanted to be Baby in Dirty Dancing. I'm the girl who still makes wishes when she blows out the candles on her birthday cake, just in case. I'm the girl who's still indignant that Cosette got to live while Eponine had to die, and to this day wonders what possessed Louisa May Alcott such that Laurie ended up with bloody Amy instead of Jo. I'm the girl who wants to believe in London Below.

I'm the girl who watched you struggle to breathe as you slipped further away from me, and prayed that you would die quickly so you would not suffer. I'm the girl who cried nonetheless when you finally did, your passing marked by little more than the the shake of my father's head, the absence of breath and a collective wail of those who had gathered by your bedside. I'm the girl who laughed at your funeral to celebrate who you were and I'm the girl who hasn't visited you once since you died because maybe it's easier that way.

I'm the girl who prayed you would live even though you were suffering, and lost a part of herself forever when you cried out and went limp in my arms. I'm the girl who still expects to see you around the corner, who sometimes dreams about you. I'm the girl who misses you every day and can't bear to scatter your ashes.

I'm the girl who still keeps your glasses and your rosary.

I'm the girl who still hasn't learned how to say goodbye.

I'm the girl who used to sleep with a blade by her bed, and who doesn't any more, but keeps it to remember.

I'm the girl who had a bit part in the European art film fate made out of my life, complete with rain pattering against car windows and simple words layered with complicated meaning, with longing and regret and soulful eyes and deep silences. I'm the girl who didn't know my lines but you said yours perfectly. I'm the girl who drowned in your eyes and believes in fate.

I'm the girl who sings aloud when I think I'm alone, who dances in my bedroom if I feel like it. I'm the girl who likes buses, not trains. I'm the girl who starfishes on my bed, who realized that I'm not twisted, you were just vanilla. I'm the girl for whom books are my crack cocaine.

I'm the girl who died every day because you told me to stay away, who started smoking because she could not stop the hurting. I'm the girl whose world came crashing down with one phone call, and who believed that life would burn her hollow.

I'm the girl who loved you because you saw that I loved him, and so you loved him too. I'm the girl who held your hand while we were both ankle-deep in ocean wearing jeans and a shirt and thinking how perfect this was, right out of a Benetton ad. I'm the girl who still gets a high when you reach for my hand. I'm the girl who smelled the warm scent of your cologne and wondered at how different, how right it felt when your arms wrapped around mine, and who tasted of peaches when you kissed me. I'm the girl who didn't think it could get this good. I'm the girl who nearly knocked down those tombstones, who did the craziest road trip she ever did, who laughs easily and frequently when I'm with you because I'm happy to be. I'm the girl who could fall asleep and wake up with you beside me forever without ever getting tired of it. I'm the girl who's missing you already.

I'm that girl. Who are you?