"It's not cheating if...."

The contents of the following post contain sexual references, strong language and disturbing ideas. Pussies please leave your inhibitions at the door or get out.


Just dial 6830 0888

First off, I went to wreck some havoc at the offices of Club Med Singapore. They stonewalled me like crazy, I threw some absolutely filthy looks at various functionaries they tried to fob me off with, informed them in no uncertain terms that either they let me talk to the big boss or they would be the ones getting verbally fucked up the arse. They scurried away. Naturally the bigwig refused to come out from hiding, preferring to cower behind the cannon fodder of her subordinates who were sacrificed to my mounting rage and claim that she was in a 'meeting' (sure, and I'm still a virgin). But I reined it in and tried not to maul them too much, since it's not their fault they were just the middlemen (aren't you all proud of me? I nearly burst a vein in my forehead trying.). My lovely boyfriend was with me, so I couldn't stake out the office (as I would have done if I was alone) and taken down the big cheese when she left the office.

But I did make her poor subordinates miserable enough so that they finally surrendered her business card with her direct office line on it. The General Manager, btw, is Mumtaz Moiz, and her direct line is (65) 6830 0888. So please free to call her regarding the hangnail that's bugging you, the 25-year old Toyota you wish to sell, or the explicit sexual fantasies you have involving the Spice Girls. Slinky's coming after you, and she's not giving up. Im going to bloody well SUE the fuckers if I don't get my money back.


You're cheating only if.......

After that particular adventure, my blood pressure was threatening to blow the top of my head off, so boyfriend decided to distract me by dragging me off to Zara and dangling an absolutely gorgeous pair of snakeskin boots in front of me. It worked too. I felt like the Persian cat in the MacDonald's ad which kept jumping for the burger. (“Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!”)

And then I saw this tall, slim girl in the sharpest jacket, loafers, skinny pants, and gloriously dyed brown hair, spiked up in a very Beckham-esque style. And sweet jesus, she was hot. I felt like I'd been hit on the head with the stupid stick, I just kind of stared at her. She had that 'seh' quality. C and Wen would probably get it, seeing as how we've had the 'which girl would you make out with' type conversations. (oh come on, hasn't everybody?) I felt like that Persian cat all over again. How do you hit on a girl, I wonder?

Now the following look is an interesting exercise in male psychology. Pay close attention.

I find Justin absorbed in the happy contemplation of buying yet another pair of cool Zara boxing-style lace-up hightops. I tell my beloved that I there was terribly hot girl I found arresting. His attention snapped from the shoes to me so fast he nearly fell off his chair. “Reeeeaaaaally?" he said, looking happier than a monkey in a roomful of bananas. He wasn't interested in doing anything more than going home after that, of course.

The conversation continued on his balcony, aided by many Marlboros (I've made up with the Marlboro Man). "So," I said in the name of academic interest. "If I saw her at the club, and I made out with her, is that cheating?”

Instantly, he said, "No, of course not!"

I know him well enough to say, "Yeah, but what if you're not there?”

Visible disappointment at his hypothetical absence causes his face to fall. "Oh, well, then yeah, it's cheating." He paused as something occurred to him. "Unless you have a video camera or something. Then it's okay." After that he started getting too excited so we had to change the subject or risk having him die from blue ball syndrome.

Boys are funny.

If you're wondering about what appropriate conversation follows the consideration of your girlfriend making out with another girl, me and the boy considered the perils of owning this . It makes a funny sort of sense if you think about it.

We also talked about how blowjobs completely de-stress the recipient. Better than Prozac. Prescription blowjobs for all! “Does that mean,” I pondered, “that the pharmacist would administer these?” We thought of the pharmacists we knew and shuddered. He decided that there would fluffers for that. “Take two fluffers and call me in the morning!” And the quality of fluffage would of course depend on how stressed you were. Level 1 stress levels would probably give you makcik. Better to be seriously stressed out.

I've been contemplating getting a second tattoo for a while. Getting inked is like an addiction. So the Boy takes a cold shower and I go and surf the Net. Some interesting nuggets of information, courtesy of www.vanishingtattoo.com

1. James Brown got his eyebrows tattooed!
2. Vin Diesel doesn't have a single tattoo. The beautiful tribal tatts you see on him in the movies are all fake. That wuss.
3. Barbie has tattoos!
4. All 80's rock stars are 'heavily tattooed' – except, strangely enough, for Axl Rose, who only has one. Shocking.
5. Tattoos on your feet look really stupid, like you forgot to wash them properly or something.
6. Johnny Depp looks seriously gay in all his photos, even with all that ink on his skin.
7. Winner of 'Ugliest Celebrity Tattoos' is fat punk rocker wannabe Kelly Osbourne .
8. Many celebrities need to write their names on themselves in case they forget who they are.

I did find something wich seriously caught my eye though. I like this one very very much.

Also the phoenix in this one.

So maybe I'll turn up one of these days with more ink on my skin.

When the Boy came back from his cold shower (which hadn't worked) he took over checking out the tattoos and after a while I realized any entry which had the words “wrestler",“porn star”or "Playboy model" would invariably be clicked on. Ever tried wrestling a 95-kg guy for possession of a computer mouse? You tend to lose. But then we got distracted because the Discovery Channel was showing the best fast food in America, and we just ogled the screen before we couldn’t stand it any more and had to get some deep-fried chicken wings. Oh yeah baby! Then The Crow came on, only one of our all-time favorite movies, which we can both quote from. Ever have one of those perfect nights where time turns elastic and everything’s going your way? This was one of them for me.

Oh, and since we're on the topic of hot girls, tattoos and men who like them, have a look here. Slinky liiiiiiike. If you look really closely, there’s even a Singapore girl there. Daddy Lee would not approve.

The Slinky Cat says be a Suicide Girl today!