Losing weight is bad for you

The Fat Nazis are here! Hide all the cheesecake!

Okay so I’m happily munching on breakfast cereal and trying to put off going to work as long as possible this morning, when this advertisement in the newspaper catches my eye. It has pictures of local celebrities (hah! What an oxymoron!) basically yukking it up at some pseudo-gala celebration, and Fann Wong is seen wearing a ridiculous poufy ballgown and a massive sparkly rhinestone tiara. I read it, because anything where Fann Wong looks like a pink meringue left on the shelf too long cheers me up.

You won’t believe it.

"Superstars’ Fat Burning Party!’ the headline screams proudly.

I had a brief but extremely vivid vision of the event. People gesticulating elegantly with empty wine glasses (‘You have to pretend there’s wine, dahlink!") and trying not to turn sideways in case they disappear. White-clad waiters in bowties holding out trays of weight-loss pills and prettily disguised barf bags for guests who feel the urge to purge. Ambulance staff hiding behind the potted plants for discretion and packing loaded emergency defibrillators. Bouncers forcibly rejecting any comers who can’t squeeze through a wedding ring. (‘Hey bub, if your pashmina can do it, you can do it too."). At precisely the right moment, a drumroll reaches its crescendo and theatrical red curtains part on the stage, to reveal a skeletal Fann Wong, who says, ‘Thanks… to… Xando…I’m .. ..I’m..finally…THIN!’ from her hospital bed. She bursts into tears of joy. Wild cheers from the crowd, massive product sales ensues.

Okay, so that didn’t happen. But is it really that far out?

Here’s an extract of the actual text of the ad:

"It was an evening of glamour, sophistication and excitement when four of the region’s hottest stars and hundreds of guests parties along the Singapore River…. Fann Wong, Frankie Lam, Kenix Kwok and.. Christopher Lee.. It was not just fun and champagne - the guests had come to hear the personal experiences of the stars with the new European weight control formula - Xando X-Fat. (oooooh, the Xando X-Fat! Two X's in a product name! It must be good!)

Each explained how hard it was to stay in shape and always look their best when under the public spotlight. And how working long hours on the film set made it impossible to eat regularly and maintain an exercise regime.

"Since I started using Xando X-Fat I have lost 2% of all my body fat. I love it, "Fann joyfully enthused." (I swear I didn't add that in)

So here's my two cent's worth:
- How do you lose 2% of just some of your body fat instead of 2% of all of your body fat? Does that mean that you can lose 2% from one butt cheek but the other cheek remains untouched?
- Would people have run screaming in terror if I’d gatecrashed the party armed with full-fat Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey and threatened to forcefeed them with it? (I would probably have been dragged out and stoned for blasphemy or something)
- Do people STILL think that deliberate inclusions of the letter ‘x’ instantly makes a product or person sexier?
- And what kind of a name is Kenix anyway? Sounds like the latest Bionics toy from Lego. (‘286 piece self-assembly. Fully automated. Walks and talks. Does not require feeding. Batteries not included’)
- And what kind of person attends a superstar fat-burning party anyway?

Sheesh. People take this diet thing way too seriously. It’s frightening, really. Pass me that steak. I feel faint.