Saving Deliverance

Amongst the many things I've never done before is attempt to change a flat on a bicycle. Deliverance has been languishing in the garage since my return to Oz because of his flat front tire. (That, and the fact that his pedal keeps falling off.)

But I've discovered that my one and only bus no longer runs to the shops on Sundays, due to dangerous heavy rainfalls of sheep every Sunday or some such similarly ridiculous reason, and so, goaded on the misguided belief that Google would be my bake repair oracle, I happily set out this afternoon (my one and only free day this entire week) to try and fix my bike.

LovesHerDog kindly provided me with degreaser, WD40, rags, a scrubbing brush, a spare inner tube and moral support.

First, we ripped out the inner tube to find that it had been patched at least three times. No wonder the damn tire was flat. But we had a spare inner tube, so no problem, right? Wrong. Unfortunately, she also believed that we had a bicycle pump, a belief that proved to be about as accurate as my belief that this would be easy. Never mind. I fitted the deflated new inner tube onto the rim, happily believing that it was one just trip to Kmart away from being a nice plump tire again. Which was when I discovered that not all bikes are made equal. In other words, not everyone's bicycle rims are standard 26", god knows why. Bicycles, apparently, take the same approach to parts as iPods do.

Never mind, I thought I'd clean the bicycle instead. So after some embarrassing attempts and trying to set Deliverance upside down while avoiding dog poo, I sprayed degreaser liberally along the chain, the derailleur and the freewheel, humming a happy little tune to myself. Mucky brown crap started dripping off almost immediately. Then I remembered my helpful Google search had told me that I should remove the rear wheel for better access to the rear mechanisms. Damn you, Google, giver of false confidence.

I found out several things as a result of this:

First, my bicycle does not have a quick-release mechanism for the rear wheel. It took a fuck of a lot of grunting and straining before the wheel came off.

Second, there is a very good reason why you clean the chain entirely before you remove the rear wheel.

Third, bicycle grease is Satan.

Fourth, it is very very very very important to remember where the chain went on the freewheel BEFORE you remove it, because when you finish cleaning your bike in a half-assed sort of way one hour later, you will be stuck for twenty minutes in the back garden trying to cram the wheel back in while the light fades from the day like a bad horror movie where the heroine runs through the darkening forest with the evil dead shambling just behind her, and you will be cold and unable to put on a jacket because you are splattered with grease up to the elbows, and you can't check Google your fallen savior to find out how to put it back on because you are splattered with grease up to the elbow, and you can't get that damn hair out of your eyes because if you try you will have grease all over your face too, and not just up to the elbows, and your once-clean bike is covered with grease all over again because you didn't get it all off the chain and your fiddling has smeared it all over the nice shiny metal.

Fifth, soap will not remove bicycle grease. LOTS of soap won't work either. Neither will makeup remover. Cooking oil, on the other hand, will lay the Steve McQueen smackdown on grease, but will make you feel like a marinating chicken.

Six, do not mistake moles on your skin for bicycle grease. This is a potentially painful error.

Deliverance is currently sitting outside, both wheels off, still upside down, patiently waiting until the next day I have free where there is enough daylight and I finally have a properly-sized inner tube, a bicycle pump, and information on how to replace a rear wheel on a bicycle. I've never missed Punky more.