Don Juan's Boot Camp - Part One

Kudos to J.H for passing me the file.

Ladies, listen up. There's apparently a file being passed around from guy to guy called 'Don Juan Boot Camp'. No, I'm not kidding. This 112 page Adobe Acrobat document is, apparently, the key to every sad lonely loser out there who can't get a girl. This manual purports to solve all your women problems, and make you a stud.

Is anyone laughing yet? Because I am.

It read very much like those motivational books where a speaker throws in a whole bunch of prettily-packaged tired concepts and some catchy phraseology ("You too can be an Effective Person if you figure out Who Moved Your Cheese!") when all you need, really, is common sense. And come on, if Mr. Love Puppy was so successful with the laydees, would he really have time to sit down and write a 112-page document full of crap? No. Because he'd be busy getting jiggy with it with all the chicks he scored with. He'd be so weak from multiple orgasms, he wouldn't even be able to sit upright, let alone type.

Let's have a look at some choice excepts which are preached by this Manual of Lurve.

Apparently, step one in being successful with women is being a man. What is a man?

"A Man is a guy who is not scared of his testosterone"

Yes that makes sense. It is, after all, not very manly to constantly be trying to run away from your balls. I mean really, that sounds like Un-Manly men brandish flaming tampons to ward off testosterone. But I digress. Let's look at some of the tips offered in order to become a man. Please note, these are actual extracts from the document. I haven't embellished or changed the content in any way.

TEN STEPS TO BECOMING A MAN

Step One: A Man:
Does not go through life walking on eggshells.
Nice Guys think, "Does she like me? How do I get her to like me?" Good guys think, "Should I like her? Should I go for her?" The Good guy doesn't think about the girl's interest until they're dating. The Good guy looks at all the girls and takes what he wants."

But I thought Real Men don’t even think. They just march up to a woman they like, say 'Grog like!', thump her over the head a couple of times and drag her back to his cave for wild prehistoric nookie. Maybe that's what the author means when he says that that a good guy looks at all the girls and takes what he wants. But even giving him the benefit of the doubt, have you men ever tried getting a girl who didn't want you? Like, really didn't want you? Because at best, you get the "Let’s just be friends" shtick. Or, you get the "Fuck off and die, loser!" and if you're really unlucky, you get pounded with a handbag and have to go to the A & E because the metal clasp of her fake Chanel damn near took your eye out. Methinks Mr. Don Juan overestimates the susceptibility of a woman to male attention.

Step Two: A Man:
"Focuses on his dreams.
No, this does not include the chick. You must have passion for something in life, something you even want to do for the rest of your life. Your romantic life is an echo of your regular life."

So if you have a deep-rooted passion for collecting bellybutton lint and you feel fulfilled by doing that for the rest of your life, you'll get chicks who are drawn to such deep passion. I'm not sure you'll want them though.

Step Three: A Man:
"Does not apologize for his testosterone, for his desires.
"Oh, I am so sorry, ladies! I am afflicted with this disease known as M.A.L.E. It is natural for me to glance at you, your oh so curvaceous body. I am soooo sorry. Please, please forgive me!" Would a WOMAN apologize for her feminine acts? So why should YOU apologize for your masculinity?"

The sheer utter stupidity in this statement really, really gets to me. What feminine acts exactly should a woman be apologizing for? Crossing her legs? Swinging her hips while she walks? And where in God's green earth does this apparently entitle a man to attempt to pour his eyes into a woman's cleavage pretending to talk to her about the weather? Ogling a woman's 'curvaceous body' like her top might combust from the heat your laser eyes generate is OFFENSIVE. Goddamn right he should fuckin' apologize. Otherwise Miss C might smack you in the face with a milk carton. (it's happened before!)

Step Four: A Man:
"Tries to always win in what he does. (After childhood, there are real winners and losers in life.)
Men build towers; women build webs. If you aren't constructing your tower or aren't even planning it, why should she cast her web at you? If you want worthy chicks, you, yourself, must strive to become worthy."

And men make babies and women make mushrooms. What? I don't know, but it makes about the same amount of sense. You try it, it's fun. "A running caterpillar we are having picnic the sky is happy." See? Easy.

Step Five: A Man:
"Has deep convictions that allow him to be a possible leader.
This is crucial because one day you will become the leader of your own household. Yes, we talk of 50/50, of everything being equal, but Nature's laws surpass that of Humans. Women naturally submit and nurture, Men naturally lead and provide. f you were a woman, would YOU want a Nice Guy in charge of your household? Or would you want A MAN?"

"Women naturally submit and nurture". Funny about Joan of Arc and Boadicea and Artemis then, because all this revolution and cutting heads off and hunting people down doesn't give me that warm fuzzy feeling that submitted and nurturing is supposed to give. This is a man who takes the Biblical verse about wives submitting to their husbands a little to seriously.

Oh, and as for the 50/50 thing? Sorry, but I think Nature still hasn't found an answer to the Women's Charter.

Part Two to follow.