Note to self: just say no.

This is a little note to myself because it seems extremely clear in light of very recent events (Captain Starlight? More like Captain Salah) that my arsehole-radar, if not actually broken, is at least prone to malfunctioning at inconvenient times. Never let it be said that I don’t learn lessons taught by history.

1. Don’t date them if they’re insanely hot. There are very few straight men who are very hot and they tend to know what effect they have on women and use it to their nefarious advantage. Plus, the bastard-radar tends to malfunction in the presence of beauty, thus leading to critical errors of judgment. Like, forgetting how to speak while simultaneously thinking they’re good people. Balls.

2. If they call at the very last minute to arrange for dates? Be the John Mayer. And drop them like they’re Jessica Simpson.

3. We have standards now. Don’t hang it out for the ugly man who nevertheless thinks he is the shit. Not only will this one have problems as stated with actual very hot man, but he also suffers from delusions.

4. Any guy who requires medication to function like a normal human being = instant fail. Chances are, the medication can only go so far and normal human being status is not fully achieved.

5. Does not have friends. This is a warning sign, like a relationship Batsignal telling your brain’s Batman to kick some mental bastard ass before the stupid lizard part of it can latch on and stun the rest of your brain into thinking it’s happy. Stupid, stupid lizard brain. If people dowan to fren him, there’s usually a reason for that.

6. He says “I’ve never done this before!” while very expertly coaxing dress off shoulders. Um, yes. This one may not actually be a total loss, so long as you’re not expecting anything beyond a roll in the hay.

7. Attached. (Duh)

9. If his entire range of interest or hobbies extends only so far as to list gaming, basketball and reading, no. This will be a person who will be completely unable to wander blissfully around a foreign country without clutching onto a map, spare bottles of water, disinfectant wipes and money stuffed in his socks in case the unfriendly natives decide to mug him. This person will never go white-water rafting with you.

10. If he seems too good to be true, he probably is.