"Long drives" - the male version of "Long walks on the beach"

I was informed by a friend recently (let's call said friend IS , for 'Inexplicably Single') that IS had joined an internet dating site. I manfully suppressed my urge to do an impromptu Dance of Loser. Much unsubtle encouragement did not lead to the revelation of which dating site IS had joined ("Tell me lah!" "No!" "Come on!" "Dowan!" "Tellmetellmetellme!" "NO!" etc etc), but I bided my time, and sure enough, IS, drunk on the success of scoring a date, accidentally let slip and I gleefully fired up my browser after activating the snarkiest mindset I could rustle up.

Let's be honest - we secretly think that people who join internet dating sites are the same people who would buy stuff from Sellavision, who may have some critical body odour issues or may be people whose hobbies include taxidermy of other people's family pets and who has the social skills of a penguin (A DEAD penguin). But IS isn't like that at all, so my interest was piqued. I had to see for myself.

Turns out that there are some seriously knicker-droppingly hot men out there on the Internet. If you have about four hours to burn, go browsing. There was the exec who looked like a cleaner-cut Guy Pierce (yum), the 6'6" athlete (yum yum) and there was the fireman (Fiiiireeemaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan). I would post pictures but dang this conscience that tells me no.

If you are 24 and call yourself DevilChylde or Born2bEvil, even if you have smouldering eyes that promise warm chocolate being licked off nipples, women will not go out with you. That said, calling yourself LukeyLuv or CuddlePete makes me want to SnugglyForceVomit all over my keyboard.

The Asian men. Oh God. If you got a whole bunch of nerds and squeezed them together and then stuffed them in a blender and fed them to other nerds who you mated with each other, you still wouldn't get nerdy enough. They were towering monuments to the stereotype of unattractive, dorky losers who couldn't score punani if it came and bit them on their underexercised pale calves. Going from the gorgeous fireman with the big hose to NerdyPocketProtector Tan was like falling from a great height into a stinking bubbling lonely pool of Dork. I read the profiles, looked at the pictures, and felt like I got women repellent all over me after just two pages. One particular prize specimen sported the Bowl Haircut of Doom, accessorised snazzily by the Black Plastic Frames of Ocular Catastrophe and the glazed expression of too much World of Warcraft. His hobbies, according to him, were "Surfing the net, playing computer and….. aquarium." Yes, ladies, get it while it's hot. Lesson: there are ridiculously hot asian men out there. Just not on the Internet.

IS, perhaps rightfully a little sensitive after my continuous guffawing, has demanded that I give it a go just to see what kind of pull I have. And it occurred to me that I could solve all my transport problems right here. Hmmmm... idea....

As a final parting shot, here's a sampling of what I read and my take on it.

Things that worked:

1. "I should point out the guys above and below me are known criminals." (points for a sense of humour!)

2. Guy with the biggest, goofiest smile on his face with the tag: "Yes! You may have a puppy!"

3. "Sweet, romantic, funny, musical, open-minded, dexterous, nice smelling, comes from good home, runs well. Well-behaved. Sometimes." (not bad) I like the sun; gardens; really good fresh food; cooking; esoteric meals; random tea; conversation; freshly washed bedsheets; the ocean; watching thunderstorms from my verandah; playing music; writing music; listening to music; learning new things; being challenged; challenging other people; karaoke; traveling; singing; laughing; being naked; girls who smell like flowers. (major brownie points for being able to use and spell the word 'esoteric' correctly, bonus points for the phrase 'random tea', so I'm letting slide the love of nakedness and karaoke)

I don't like condescension; generalizations; dim lighting; people who hate being wrong; coriander; nightclubs; shiny people; Celine Dion; Chinese dragons (they freak me out - I don't know why...almost as scary as Celine Dion); injustice; hot weather; cold weather (unless it facilitates cuddling under a warm blanket).

I work for the [redacted] Government and study Law part-time, but don't let that put you off. I'm nice. Really. I also play in a local band and like to pretend that one day I could be unfeasibly wealthy by being a rock star. This is probably unlikely to happen so I am forever condemned to singing in the shower (which is just as fun).

I love traveling and languages. I lived and studied in Europe briefly, and got back recently from 3 weeks in Chicago and New York. Next on the list: Ningaloo. South East Asia. A gently swinging hammock on a lonely tropical beach. Wanna join me?" (it was the best profile I read during the entire 4 hours I was busying kaypohing.)

4. Profile: "I unfortunately suffer from being an engineer. You know you’re an engineer when you try and fix a $5 car radio.” (self-deprecating humour is good, and may even free him from the stigma of being an engineer. Someday.)


Things that didn't work:

1. Giving yourself the username "Mumslittleboy". A thousand 'no's.

2. Profile description: "I love cooking but I hate washing up, so you'd better be proficient at dishwashing!" (oh you sweet talker you)

3. Profile tag: "Will you be the sun that wakes me up every morning?" (hee hee, no)

4. Profile tag: "Where is my sweet lady girl?" (hitching up all her petticoats so she can run away and hide)

5. Profile tag: "HI THER... WANT TO AV FUN N MEET PEOPLE, N C WAT HAPNZ FROM THER....." (NO THNKZ)

6. "Looking for the girl of my dreams, and one that will still be there next to me when I wake up." (has image of woman waking up, sneaking out of the house and running for the hills before he wakes up)

7. "What do I read? Um, well, magazines, of course! I don't really read, but I enjoy when I do!" (substitute "bathe" for read and you understand why I find this statement so awful)