Airbrushed and perfect

Merlot on my shoulder, in my arms, across my thigh.

Mellow lamplight and open windows, fans creating a chill breeze, laughter, silk of skin and fleeting butterfly kisses, Eskimo kisses that end in giggling, lips touching lips in meetings that make the world go away, and long, quiet looks through long-lashed eyes.

Words that sound like I wish I could take you with me, and a response that sounds like I wish you could too.

The way you look, the way you feel, my heart stops sometimes.

Fingers on my skin, exhales that end in sighs or screams, you looked amazing, and felt even better. Perfect imagery.

I will miss this, and you, so very much when I am not here.

That night, I dreamt of the end of the world. It will be filled with blood and heat and all the buildings will be gone, leaving a green wildness that hurts the eyes. There was a monster, and a woman who represented either salvation or destruction, I'm not sure which. Her hair was wild and ragged and her eyes were feral, and she did not speak, but only made noises like an animal. And when she smiled at me I saw that her teeth were long and pointed and her mouth looked like it was filled with needles.

Today I made a list of all the people I need to meet before I leave. It feels oddly like goodbye even though I know it's not. Some days I feel like I can barely wait to get started on this, to get going. Other days I'm terrified and I just want to hang on to the bedposts and say "Noooooo!", like when you were young and didn't want to go somewhere and someone had to pry your fingers off while you wailed your head off.

I'm not ready.