The Ex-Boyfriend Shirt

A conversation with The Boy and me last night.

"This is n-.. Hey! You're wearing the Ex-Boyfriend Shirt again!"
"This isn't the Ex-Boyfriend Shirt, this is MY shirt!"

[The Ex-Boyfriend Shirt is a dingy long-sleeved henley which is a bunch of holes stitched together which I like to sleep in because it's long enough so I can run around commando but I don't freeze my bits off. I got the shirt off the Pocket Ex because it was so hideously ugly on him that I couldnit stand it any more, and tricked him into giving it to me because 'I wanted to be close to him when I slept' (Hah! As if. I just wanted him to stop wearing that ugly shirt)]

"This is like when you wear the Ex-Boyfriend Ring."
"I already told you, you can have the damn ring if you want it."

[The ring is a Tiffany's rattlesnake which coils around my middle finger. I think the Pocket Ex figured out what kind of jewelry I don't wear after the white gold entwined hearts + diamond pendant on a white gold chain languished in my drawer for a year after he gave it to me, gathering dust. I couldn't ever bring myself to wear it because I felt like such an imposter when I tried. Only women who wear twinsets, don't believe in pants or jeans, and never leave the house without makeup and high heels wear that kind of jewelry. Pretty dinky jewelry like that gives me hives.]

We moved on from the ex-boyfriend stuff (The Boy was just teasing) and then we got to talking about this freak he knew back in England who eventually became a judge in Malaysia. He was an incredibly odd human being. We're talking about someone who, when he moves into his new hall room, finds a tampon in one of the drawers and gets really excited because he's never seen one before. "Want to open it?" he asked The Boy excitedly, practically creaming his jeans. At the age of 25!

This is a person some straight-A shark lawyer now has to call 'Your Honor'. It makes me cringe.

"Maybe he was just pretending to be a loser," The Boy mused. "No one could be that pathetic."
"Why would anyone want to pretend to be a loser? What possible gain is there?"
"True. I mean, it's not like he had to beat women off with a stick or anything."
"Oh come on! Even if he had to, who the hell minds being bothered by women?"
"True! I don't mind if women bother me!"

This earns The Boy a deeply skeptical look from Slinky.

"Come on," he says, throwing himself (heavily!) on my chest. "Bother me!"
He then pretends to be asleep and starts snoring. After a while he sneaks a peek because nothing is happening. (which is maybe because I couldn't breathe and have lost consciousness)
"Nothing's happening!" he complains. "Never mind," he says patting me fondly. "You're not very good at this. I understand."

Slinky can't resist a challenge.

After a while though, I get accused of cockteasing The Boy. (it's not a descriptive term here)

"Do not!"
"Do too. I bet that's how you get all those Ex-Boyfriend Shirts too." *impersonating random guy* "That's it, I've had it with the teasing! I'm outta here!" *mimics Slinky's voice* "But wait! Your shirt!.... Oh well, I'll put it with all the rest then."

Bastard.

But it made me laugh.