Love is Hard

I dreamt of Cajun last night. I can't really remember all the details, since The Boy's snoring woke me up a couple of times, and dreams evaporate like morning dew once you wake up. But it was good dream. I remember that much. I remember him being whole. No CHD.

I miss him a whole lot. I miss those funny giant ears that wouldn't stand, I miss the teeny tiny little brown eyes, I even miss the slightly psychotic starving-wolf way he'd take food from your hand. It was always something of a relief to discover you haven't lost a finger after you got your hand back. I miss the funny bark. A whole lot.

It's stopped raining and it's a hot, sunny morning. I wish he was here so I could take him to the beach. Bringing Cajun to the beach was always a no-brainer. Mad excitement when he realized he'd be going out. With two dogs going nuts, it was like the running of the bulls at Pamplona. Both dogs fighting to get into the car first, then me having to help hoist them in. Then we'd get there and all hell would break loose again, then we'd hit the water and everything would be okay. He'd be there for an hour, paddling around like a little tugboat, the buoyancy of the water keeping him afloat, effortlessly. I think he liked it because it was easier, less painful, than being on land. He'd just do his own thing, forging through the waves and looking about as happy as he could look.

Occasionally he'd get hit by a big wave, get washed to shore. Then he'd sit on the beach and sulk for a while. He was good at sulking.

It wasn't always like that, of course. The first few times we'd have to carry him into the water to encourage him to swim. Even as a puppy, twenty-five to thirty kilos of wriggling, squirming puppy is a handful. Add to that claws and teeth and every expedition was like Normandy. Bleeding was optional.

But it was all good.

That's the thing about keeping pets. The commitment is just the first difficult step. After that is the realization that you're committing yourself to something that you know you'll lose. It's just a question of when. It's so hard sometimes. You never really get over them. I miss Cajun. And I still miss Zeph. Every goddamn day.