Don Juan Boot Camp - Part Two

Let's continue our lesson on how to be A Man. (i love the capitalization)

Again, a reminder that none of the quoted text has been amended, modified, or revised in any way.

Step 6: A Man:
"Seeks to solve problems then to place blame.
If there is a problem, you solve it. You do not go, "Oh, BOO HOO! This was because of HIM." A woman naturally wants a guy who deals with problems, not pass them along. (Would you want that in your woman? Of course not!)"

So women want a Man who first solves the problem, THEN places blame.
Man: "It took me fifteen hours of non-stop cigarette-smoking and macho tinkering with heavy metal tools, but I fixed the clogged sink." Pause. "It was YOUR fault because your stupid hair keeps clogging up the drains."

Woman: "Oh, how MANLY, fixing it first and THEN placing the blame on me, how ever did I find such a gem? I shall swoon at your feet now." *swoons at his feet*

Step 7: A Man:
“Sees failure as only a temporary setback to the inevitable.
Statistically, you're more likely to be REJECTED then to be ACCEPTED. So how do you become more and more accepted and have lots of girls? It is when you increase your trying so much that the acception rate satisfies you and you don't notice the rejections. Napoleon Hill's book interviewing extremely successful people, these men of destiny did not let failure destroy them. Indeed, Napoleon concludes that Destiny puts out these trials and failures to test the men if they are proper and fit for their role in shaping history."

Hee hee hee. So basically, if you get rejected enough the pain numbs your senses, so you can keep trying until you use statistical probability to your advantage because you've racked up so many rejections you MUST score an acceptance at some stage. That’s some truly stellar reasoning right there.

And can I mention how much I love the random example out of some unknown book, just to give this theory credibility? Napoleon Hill, mmm, yes.

I will not stoop so low as to make fun of the word 'acception'.

Step 8: A Man:
“Knows where he is going in Life.
True seduction isn't calculation or painful discipline, it is the same as with everything that makes a success: A Passion for Life.”

Holy Tony Robbins, Batman! True seduction is knowing where you’re going in life, with a passion!

Step 9: A Man:
"Never loses his passion, for that would be the death of his soul.
Nice Guys hate bachelorhood. They hate, hate, hate it so very much. Some even wish for the old days of arranged marriages so they wouldn't have to put up with all of the games. Jerks love bachelorhood so much they can't see anything else in life. While women love guys that can get women, jerks offer nothing worthwhile in the long term. Alas, the women always try to change the Jerk but never the Nice Guy. Why? Because a Man is strength and a Jerk displays strength on some level. Nice Guys never do."

I dunno, maybe I'm just really slow here, but I swear I'm not getting it. Several things. First, losing your passion = death of your soul. That's one of those pseudo-deep, pseudo-sexy (does that sound to porno?) punchlines that wannabe Stephen Coveys would sprinkle liberally in their self-help books. But passion for what? Board games? Brown toupees? Eating Oeros with milk? "I have lost my passion for gardening! I have lost my soul!" I'm a pretty crap theologian, but I'm pretty sure this wasn’t covered by the Bible. (oh dear, I was facetious about the Bible, I'm sure I'm going to be excommunicated again…)

Second, Nice Guys hate bachelorhood. Yes. Because everyone knows that Nice Guys are just GAGGING for monogamy and matrimony. They buy Tiffany rings in bulk and store them in their little Wedding Cupboard of Hope. Every now and then, they ambush unsuspecting girlfriends with a ring, because if they have any more of this bloody singlehood they will go postal and they will JUMP RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE NEXT CAR WITH HAS THE 'JUST MARRIED' SIGN ON IT YOU JUST WAIT AND SEE!!!!!!

Third, Jerks adore Bachelorhood. Because, you know, the whole marriage thing? The whole nurturing submissive woman who will cook, clean, iron, wash, make babies, scrub the floors thing that you learned women will do in Step 5? They don't need that. Jerks do their own laundry because they are Men and they are Strength, damn it. Everyone knows that.

Fourth, women try and change Jerks but not Nice Guys because being a Man is Strength and Jerks have Strength and Nice Guys don't, so women don’t change them. Broken down, that means Real Man = Jerk = Strength = Women trying to change you, which is, apparently a good thing. There are so many things wrong with this statement that I could go on forever. But I'm just going to ask one question - what the flaming Sam Hill does this have to do with the title of Step 9?

Step 10: A Man:
Never feels he has to prove himself to anyone.
Flowers, candy, poetry all can be good additions to a relationship, but so many nice guys use them to buy the relationship as if they must prove themselves. They flood with the poor woman with gifts to show they mean it.
So away with the flowers, those dead plants as tokens of affection. Away with the chocolate, the candy, and sweets, those sugary pursuits to purchase love. Away with the poetry, those rotten verses of declarations of love. Away with the quest to prove yourself and let her prove herself to you for you are the Don Juan.
Be a Man! And with it, you will advance in your career, your social life, and even your dealings with women. Men are very rare these days so if you become one, you will be in HIGH demand. Your career will become better as people look at you as a leader. Life will re-develop before your eyes for you will obtain the most single quality that men, not trophy husbands, not nice guys, not tactful players, but men have a monopoly on: Respect.

You will also go on to cure cancer, invent immortality and more difficult, find out whether Michael Jackson really did hump all those little boys! Please remember to rport all your accomplishment sin the same breathless tone of voice as above.

Not buying a woman candy/flowers/gifts = many long lonely nights of celibacy and NOT = respect. That’s all I have to say about Step 10.

And the clincher-

“YOU are the MAN! For if you don't STAND for something, you shall FALL for everything!”

It’s very Apocalyptic, isn't it? I feel like it should be painted on a sandwich board and some bald fat guy with testosterone spilling out of his ears should be yelling “You’re aaaaaaallll gonna faaaaallllll! Except me! Because I'm a Man! And not just some guy with a sandwich board with a stupid message! I'm a Man!!!!”

"You want to be a Don Juan.. then you must acquire the mentality of a Don Juan! Become The Great Catch!

Is that like the Burger King Big Catch, but without the tartar sauce?

"A Don Juan is a state of mind”

Jerry Maguire, go back to your day job. Renee Zellweger should have said, "You had me at your state of mind, Don Juan!" And that Springsteen song will never sound the same again.

Nest: we apply the lessons we have learned on How To Be A Man.