"When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear" - Mark Twain

I picked up Cajun’s ashes from the vet yesterday and all I could think about was "That’s not right, he’s so small." It was a strange thought to have but it kept echoing in my head and I couldn’t make it go away. Funny. I thought that by now the tears would have stopped but they hadn’t.

His ashes sit in my room, next to Zeph’s. I’m going to have to learn to let go of them, but for now I think in my room they remain, although my mother absolutely hates the idea of two dead things just mooching on my shelf. I like to think of it as them keeping me company.

Human decency, I believe, is in scarcer supply than I thought. The Boy ran out of words to describe what he felt was a reprehensible act of cruelty and basic lack of integrity.

At the time everything happened, I was so caught up with the grief of losing Cajun that a whole drama (conducted on a side stage where I couldn't see at first) just passed me by, whereby one of the Sisterhood tried to protect me from someone seeking to profit off Cajun's death.

But now that the haze has lifted a little, it really enraged me. Because of how small-minded it seems.

How difficult would it be, I have to ask, when you’ve done someone an unforgivable wrong, to honor a ceasefire, which although unsaid, is implicit? It has been a month since I learned of how low some people will go, and forced myself to shut up, to try and let go, and to forgive. But it seems like I’m the only one who’s trying to let events go, to maintain the silence. It appears the other side seems to have no qualms about continuing, whenever possible, to make snide remarks, to slide the knife in a little deeper, and twist it when opportunity presents itself, like when Cajun died.

I don't mind so much being the crutch for someone else's relationship if I'm being used to address someone's insecurities. One of the Sisterhood had a great theory about having to have an enemy country to unite two otherwise fueding countries. A common threat in other words. (While the analogy isn't perfect, I guess that makes me Germany.) So yes, snide remark away if that helps you feel better, or you think it will make your relationship stronger.

But how fucked up does someone have to be, said The Boy, to take advantage of my decision to try and back off and let things heal, to take it as weakness and to exploit the loss of Cajun. I could go into details, but since the purpose of this entry is to vent rather than to retaliate, it wouldn’t be fair.

Even though past conduct shouldn’t make any of the aforesaid a surprise, somehow it still does surprise me every time she seems to sink a level lower than before. And it seems that the main reason why I'm angry is because she does sink lower, even when I shouldn't expect anything better. The Slinky Cat, an optimist deep down at heart? Disgraceful.

But maybe compassion is what they need instead of ire, because insecurity is likely reason behind why some people act the way they act. And it's a tiring, terrible thing to live with.

And karma has a way of coming round.

So one day, perhaps, if she is lucky enough to have grown emotionally, when sorrow comes to her, as it comes to us all, she will remember what she did and feel ashamed.

Please note that all content of this entry are merely meant to be a reflection of my thoughts and a vent for my feelings, and are not meant to be a personal attack on any individuals, and thus should not be construed to be such. Any opinions reflected in this entry are solely opinions held by the author and may not necessarily reflect the whole truth. But hey, the truth is subjective, and this is MY truth.