Are you there God? It's me, Slinky.

Dear God,

I know You're a very busy omnipotent deity and you've got a whole world to look after, but I was just wondering if maybe You could sort a couple of things out for me.

Like if You could perhaps ask it miraculously so that I don't need to spend an entire morning yelling fruitlessly down the phone at idiots from DBS only to discover that they didn't bother processing my iBanking request and that I can't pay my income tax on time despite two other phone calls where they told me it wouldn't be a problem. Because it looks like I'm going to have to pay some late payment penalty for someone else's cock-up and I'm not entirely sure that it's money I can afford.

While we're at it, perhaps You could maybe send down a little lightning bolt or two to smite the people responsible. I know You're supposed to be a loving forgiving sort of God, but one little sizzling spear of electricity from the heavens won't hurt much, will it? It could be a rain of frogs too. Whatever, I'm not picky.

And maybe there's that whole job thing. Do You think that maybe You could engineer it so that something in the veterinary field opens up in a place? Because I'm getting pretty tired of worrying about the whole money thing and wondering if the occasional coffee is going to mean that that in three years time, I'll be doing a Slinky version of the Great Potato Famine.

It would also be great if You could perhaps exercise a little of that omnipotence to get me a license. Because it gets terribly frustrating having to rely on the kindness of friends and the random bus schedule. And it gets tiring having to wait fifteen minutes or half an hour for a bus to come when my destination is only ten minutes away. I know it doesn't seem like a long time, but half an hour is plenty when you're so cold you can't feel your fingers. It would also help with the whole employment thing. And the cabin fever thing. And the social thing. A whole bunch of things, actually.

I would also be really grateful if you could maybe make that little dark cloud I have following me around to bugger off. Because it's hard to concentrate and this whole drinking thing doesn't seem to be working out too well. I get happy for, like, like, five minutes, and then it's a 100 metre dash to the nearest porcelain receptacle. Not really conducive to finding the happy. And if the dark cloud went away I promise I'd smoke less of the evil tobacco. And getting out of bed in the morning would be a lot easier because there's something to look forward too instead of serious cabin fever, endless incompetence by people an ocean away, terrible internet connectivity, being cold, and having to learn how to operate Excel (why did You create Excel anyway? It's like cockroaches. Or maybe that was Mr. Fallen Angel's fault, I won't assume anything here.)

More than anything else, it would be great if You could arrange it so that there was someone to take care of me, so it's not all up to me all the time. Someone to be there when I'm down and to say, "You know what, it's okay, I'll take care if it."

Maybe nudge someone to build a church within walking distance too, instead of having to endure a fifteen minute bus ride and a half hour walk. Because I'm sure You know all this already but it's different when I'm sitting there and I KNOW You can't pretend You didn't hear me.

Oh yeah, and the usual end-of-war, kind to animals, save the earth thing. You hear about that stuff every day. I know, I know, it’s all "Give them the world and they whine about the facilities". Sorry.