Dreamchaser

I watched Nip/Tuck today and it made me think thoughts better left alone.

I hardly ever think about it. To be honest, I try not to. And I never, ever let myself think of the after, or the future, or if they'll ever have to cut me open. (ouch)

But tonight I think: everyone told me it was never worth it. But my heart still says it was. And I hope that if ever I find myself telling myself I risked much for too little, I remember this.
____________________________________________________________

Random thoughts tonight. Maybe the lack of proper Djarum is catching up with me, or maybe it's just that my body has finally exhausted all its stores of adrenaline and realized exactly how tired it is. Although I am beginning to realize that perhaps the work is not such a bad thing. Even if it's practically a violation of the Geneva Convention, at least had the virtue of not letting me think. (It keeps the fear at bay.)

I miss the House of Ang and the way The Boy would cook for me and I could chase it with a genuine Djarum and play with Merlot on the couch and he'd curl up behind me and sleep and I'd feel him pressed up against my back as I read a book and The Boy and I would watch Buffy (he's never seen "Becoming" or any other episode

ohmygod

(no Boy of mine will go ignorant)

but I've converted him) and he called me a Buffyhead until I threatened him with celibacy and we ate foie gras on toast and woke up together and sleep curled around each other and I miss waking in the middle of the night knowing he was there and having him wake up even though it's 4-fucking a.m. and hearing him say "it's all right" when I have one of those scissor-type dreams and having him put me back to sleep and watching him work out

(sexy-as-fucking-hell)

and falling asleep on the couch and the best part of all

coming home together.

How do I go?